I know the title of this post sounds strange but if you bear with me you’ll understand.
So, I was watching the movie, “The Seventh Sign” the other day. I am a pushover for anything apocalyptic. If it is biblical, end of times, whatever.
I am in no way a Doomsday Prepper or anything like that. In fact, if the world went into some sort of frenzy tomorrow, I would last maybe…..6 hours.
Anywho back to the post.
I was watching the movie, which I love. It came out in 1988. I was 17 years old and not so “Go with the flow” at the time. Back then, it made me nervous and made me wonder about my willingness to stand up for what I beleived in.
The line that caused me to think back then and still makes me think now was,
Will you die for Him?
Back then, that line would make me shudder with doubt. Believing in God was just something I did. I never internalized or considered my belief as something I stood up for in any way. I may have said a hesitant “yes.”.
But probably not.
Now, years later, after being married and all that comes with that. And having four children that are are my world, and being diagnosed with a disability that changed my life indefinitely. This question,
Will you die for Him?
Has a whole different meaning.
I can wholeheartedly say a confident and resounding “Yes!”. I would die for Him, my children and anything else that was necessary to ensure the safety of them.
I am in no way a religious fanatic or some sort of bible thumper. I am only saying that the trials and tribulations that we endure through years of unconditional love of our children change us. Or Should I say, changed me.
The only reason I can live with and function with MS and continue to be a good mother rather than dose up on Klonipan and pull out the tissues is my belief in my creator. And that He has my back.
I say God, you say whoever it is for you, but belief is belief and faith is better than not knowing. In fact, I don’t know if everything I’ve been taught and everything I believe in is true.
But when life throws its hardballs at me, and there has been no shortages of balls (tee hee), I would rather be in the boat with Him than swimming around looking for something to grab onto.
Now to the motherhood connection.
Motherhood is a strange experience. First, during pregnancy it was wonderful. I got so much attention from everyone and I was so important.
Giving birth was equally a wonderful and excruciatingly painful experience that I swore I would NEVER do again until 5 minutes after seeing my son.
This phenomena should be researched at length. But I digress.
Then life changed drastically for me.
I was no longer the center of attention. I was no longer the apple of my husbands eye. And I was no longer Kerri. I was mother.
How did I deal with these changes.
I may have taken a more popular approach than one would think.
I got pregnant again.
Maybe in the back of my post partem mind, I was trying to recreate my previous version of “Kerri Land” where I was all important and the center of the world.
If you are guessing how my plan worked out, I can assure you it wasn’t the same experience as the first time around.
In fact, the experience of pregnancy #2 was nothing like #1. I had a 5 month old infant and sciatica! That was it. Oh, and also a bout of food poisoning, lack of sleep, working full time teaching and a miserable husband.
Who wouldn’t be miserable living with an infant, a cranky pregnant wife and a job you hate.
Either way, guess what?
I did it again. But this time was a surprise. Thank you God. Now I have two toddlers, live in a new house in
Newtown ct, coming from the Bronx, and a husband that’s never home.
Gratitude wasn’t at the top of my list, but dangling outside the window in a breeze of discontentment.
Can you say, “Nervous break down?”
I can, and I did. I’ll save that for another post.
Yay. I’m done, I said to myself. Clear out the attic, the basement, give all the baby stuff away because “I AM DONE!”
Now you may be thinking, “She didn’t!”
As most everyone I knew would think and say out loud. B*****s!
Now here is when God showed up!
My brother, Billy, had just passed away in a car accident. My family was distraught and hopeless. I had NO INTENTION of having another child, and I couldn’t because every inkling of baby was gone.
If I was being completely honest, I would have to tell you that my first thought was “F**k!”
My next thought was definitely a gift.
My thought was of awe, disbelief, astonishment and most importantly, gratitude. Something I had lost along the way.
This baby would be a boy and his name would be “Billy.” You got it. My Beloved Boy.
Anyway, the story does not go on too much from there. Life changes. It gets better, it get worse.
I always think of the grandma in the movie, not the sitcom, Parenthood. She explains how she prefers life as a roller coaster rather than a merry go round.
And I may seem like an ungrateful wench. But hear this!
If I were ever truly confronted with the question,
Will you die for Him? In this instance being my God or my children.
The answer would be YES! I WOULD!
This I know.
This I cherish.
And this will never change.
PS….The Seventh Sign is a great movie. Very creepy for 1988 and a little cheesy. Just the way I like it!
Life goes on.
My kids, well you already know how I feel about them, are great.
He’s here! I love him.
Don’t talk much, but that’s the way I like that too, is great.
See, I am a wench:)
Feel free to comment:))