A Poem for My Brother in Heaven, Words left Unspoken

I wrote this poem for my brother Billy who died six years ago. Sometimes I wish I could speak to him again and tell him the things I never said. So this is for him.

A Poem for Billy, Words Left Unspoken

The last time I saw him
We said our goodbyes
Awkward hugs and back pats
But no tears did I cry

As I drove away thinking
“Well thank God that’s done!”
Into the sunset
My life carried on

Then one day
A day I will never forget
I got a phone call
Saying “Where is he at?”

Frantically thinking
He called me that morn
Sounding as normal
As his normal was

Made calls to his friends
Thought, “Where could he be?”
Then something I’ll never forget
Happened to me.

It was his wife calling
On the line she was screaming
Billy is dead!
My heart broke instantly

I found myself screaming
Dropped down to my knees
Could this be true
I just spoke with him

But, indeed it was true
And that wasn’t the worst
I had to tell mother
The news of her first

That done
I began thinking
Of all the missed moments
Our slurred conversations
Our secrets nere spoken

But brother was gone
And that is just that
A piece of me lost
And it happened so fast

But the legacy left
From my brother was clear
Laughter and love
And friends far and near

I began to recall
My life with my brother
Him first, me fourth
Not much there in common

Fleeting thoughts of him smiling
Acting as most brothers do
To their little sisters
So there, nothing new

As we grew older
Less contact we had
Except for a “Get out!”
Or “Stop following me around!”

Time passed quicker still
Our lives farther apart
I made my own world
Which he wasn’t a part

We’d sneer when we met
At holiday gatherings
Idle chatter, few words
Just character assassin

Regretfully though
If I had more time
I’d tell him the things
That I kept in my mind

Too stubborn to say
To his face
That I loved him
Ego an obstacle
Pride a conundrum

And as soon as I thought
I had lost all my chances
I’d see him in dreams
Have that talk that I dreaded

Dreams of happier times
He’d remind me of these
I would see him in photos
And in butterfly wings

Visions of him
From the corner of my eyes
Riding in cars
Electronics with own minds

And I knew it was him
For a joker he was
And as much as I tried to resist
He’d send more

Then one day he gave me
The best gift of all
He sent me a baby
From heaven above

My beloved boy
Of course, Billy we called him
And I had my second chance
Make amends with my brother

And what a great gift
This child has been
He brings me more joy
Than I ever imagined

Overloaded with love
It was zen from the start
And I know that my son
Has my brothers true heart

He’s all that was good
In my brother on earth
And I love him as much
As I loved my big brother

Who I never told how
I felt when last we spoke
But now get to impart
On my son every day

Sons actions and words
Are clearly all that he was
And this gift, one I cherish
Was sent from Billy
My brother

So thanks Bill
For giving me
This last chance to show you
How very much I loved
And always will miss you

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About goplayintraffic

My Blog, which began as a mommy blog and turned into a writing website, www.write2survive.com, is the product of my years of being home with my children and trying to find ways to keep myself sane. I have always had this feeling, coming from a single mother, that I have to contribute financially and that I have to be able to take care of myself and my children. having been married, being a NYC school teacher, having four children, living in Newtown, CT and trying to find a way to get through each day with a smile has always been something I've strived for. My stories, articles and poems will do a lot of things but mostly make you feel. I think that is what is so wonderful about having the ability to write. I have been given the gift of taking my emotions and transferring them to written word. Once that is done, I can share those words with others who may feel better, maybe just for a moment, but better nonetheless having read my words. I am glad you are here and hope you will stay:)
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