Flicker

Flicker

The crisp air bites
I stand huddled into my sweater
I hear the familiar snap
Snap…snap….snap
Flicker

I am the one with cupped eyes
Anticipating a new life
I am the one crawling through foul and putrid muck
I am the one handing my life’s saving over for passage
I am a woman whose freedom was my birthright

Flicker

I feel a deep regret
I feel a loss no words could comfort
I feel betrayed to the core

Flicker

It withstood through evil
It withstood with blood on its stripes
And sweat on its stars
A life force calling the masses
It caused men and women to make sacrifices most could not fathom

Flicker

I stand in the crisp air
Huddled from the cold
Wrapped in my fear
Covered in loathing
Filled with sorrow and defeated

Flicker
My flag flickers and waves
Taunting me with what once was

Flicker

Flying Solo

This morning I sat in my hiding spot in the backyard sneaking my daily smoke. The kiddies were l off to school, 1, 2, 3, 4 and breathe. I spied the beautiful blue sky with its cloud formations, so lovely. The Autumn chill in the air. Crisp and delightful. Perfect morning.

As I gazed at the winged wonders that are ever present during my morning meditation, I spotted a bird flying high. Quickly flapping! If I had not heard the “honk” I would have never realized it was a goose. It surprised me because one of my favorite stories is how geese never fly solo. There are ways three.

Suddenly I felt sad, for I know how the goose must feel. At times when I am at my lowest point, flapping around for someone to come and guide me through, I feel frightened, unsettled and confused. “Where is my flock?”

It was then that I saw the other two racing and honking to catch up with the first. How ironic. Here I thought the goose was flying solo, trying to find his flock, when he was ahead of them the whole time.

Watching the Tube

Flipping through channels
Boob tube
Mother said
I usually do it
To relax before bed

Tonight it had dawned
On this bleary eyed girl
That I really don’t need to know
Everyone’s toils

Who’s cheated
Who’s singing
Who’s dancing about
Who’s surviving
Who’s suffering
Those stuck in a house

I then blindly flip to the news of the day
Quickly I realize
It’s causing dismay

Murder
Raping
Mugging the weak
Weapons
And
Marches
War on the brink!

I turn off the tube
I play candy crush
Scramble
Angry birds
Chase zombies with mud

I have to admit
Ignorance is bliss

But if I had to think
Of the way this world is
I’d have go packs
Water
And
Food for a year
Pistols and shotguns
Binoculars
Fear

So…instead I veg out
And say my humble prayers
I think of my baby’s
Asleep up the stairs

I choose the latter
For
If all else fails
I won’t even know it
I will quack to the end

This isn’t a poem
Of impending doom
I just felt like writing
In my dark, silent room.

Surrender Thy Self

Be positive! Be positive!
I try to move
Exhaustion consumes me

I listen to laughter
outside of my window.
I see branches waving
Taunting me
I begin to sink

Sink into the dark place in my mind
This place is known by many
who suffer
Many who, like me,
lay
Useless

Grieving their old selves
Their old abilities
Their former lives of freedom

Sleep is my only refuge
There are other ways to escape
Escape this condemnation
But as many before me
have taken this path
I refuse

I will not dive
into that pool of
hopelessness

I will lay here

I will be grateful
that I can hear
my children

That I can see those
taunting branches

That I can still write my words.
He has a purpose for me

Sometimes I get angry
Sometimes I have self-pity
Sometimes I weep deeply for my loss

Then one day I wake up
I get out of bed
I move my legs
I think and speak clearly
I live again
Until MS returns

Today As I Lay

Today As I Lay
A Poem

Today as I lay
In this bed that I’ve made
I review and dissect
What I shouldn’t engage
For sadly it seems
As hard as I try
I’ll wake up tomorrow
In the same state of mind

But wait!
Am I getting,
An answer?
A message?
That’s right….
It’s the quote sitting on my bed table.
It says what I need!
To see every eve!
When I lay in my bed,
Staring at my ceiling.

So noble a quote!
Such words nere’ are spoken.
They keep me together.
When I’m feeling self loathing.

Get ready…
It’s coming…
Get your eyes wide and focused.
The quote is a note
I received from my Charlotte.

It reads:

To Mommy,
I love you
And wanted to say.
Thanks for the cupcakes
The song and the day
You’re Queen of the Fairies
I know that it’s true!
But I’ll keep your secret
If you want me to.

What brilliance.
What talent.
Such words, inspiration.
I share them with you
Just in case yours are broken

Sorry, I’ve been missing

Hello everyone.  I’ve been gone for a while.  Summer is crazy with four kids and I don’t get a lot of time to put my thoughts out on paper, or computer.  

I also started a course in Medical Transcription Editing so that I can work from home.
I need to bring some money in the house and my writing alone isn’t doing it.
It’s okay though.  I love writing and sharing it with my wordpress friends.  My son, who is an extremely talented writer, is following in my footsteps.

He is 14 and just started high school.  He is already a better writer than I could ever dream of being.  The fact that he brings his writing to me and is willing to open himself up is a gift. He is trusting me.

My multiple sclerosis flare ups come and go with little gifts that stay behind.
Dealing with that is enough.

So, just a note to say I am here and on continuing my posts.  they are just going to be a little further and far between.

There Once was a Boy

School started in Newtown, CT last week.  I couldn’t help but thinking that the tragedy that occurred in our town last December could have so easily been avoided if only someone noticed that boy, Adam.

This truth is evident for many.  Not just those who take their hatred outward, but for those who turn it inward.  Tis’ a sad situation for them, and life altering for those of us who are the victims.

I wrote this poem with this in mind.

There Once was a Boy

There once was a boy that I’d see
I saw him each day, leisurely
I’d give him a wave
And move through my day
His life meaning nothing to me

Then one day I noticed him sitting
Curled up by his locker
Clearly hurting
I knew he was “different”
So I just ignored it
Why should I care?
His life meaning nothing to me.

The next day I showed up at school
The boy was not there 
Which was new
But others had gathered
Making jokes at his locker
Saying “who cares”
That freaks out of school

I wondered where that boy could be
I snuck in to ask eagerly
All they could say was
“He went his own way.
Now go on and just leave it be.”

I felt a strange pain none could cleanse
For this boy I knew needed a friend
Had I just stopped and listened
Or walked home with him talking
He may not have chosen to leave

We all play a part in this scene
It happens each day of the week
By walking on by
With no wondering why
His visible anguish just seething

It’s hard to say why I avoided
It was easier just to ignore him
It must surely be those
Who made jokes and opposed

I merely just chose not to see.
I merely just chose not to see.

Reality

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to be all alone. It’s not! The worst thing is life is to be with people who make you feel all alone.
Robin Williams

Today was a Lemon

Today was a Lemon

I was given a lemon today
So it seems
All that surround me make my face squint and squeeze
Their words are demeaning
Their gazes not caring
I don’t even want to see
What they are wearing

Some days I can say
All the right things
It’s true
And other days, I get
The “why, what’s and who’s”

On days of the latter
I pick a nice space
I crawl in with Iphone, some books and rice cakes
I hide from the dwellers
That target their mom
For everything under the sun going wrong

This too shall pass
I know this to be true
So I’ll take that fat lemon
Add some sugar
And Snooze

Dangling Toilet Paper Roll, A Poem of Love

There once was a couple whose love was so true
Never a judgement or discouraging view
Working together, day in and day out
No need for dispute, not even a shout

Then one day while Momma was in the bathroom
Her eyes fell on something, plainly in view
This wasn’t unusual or different that day
But something inside her caused such dismay

The toilet paper roll, sat empty and bare
Just cardboard, sitting and dangling in air
She stood for a moment, her face quite contorted
And made a decision, to leave it as he did

She would leave that roll bare
She just wouldn’t budge
It would sit there till he
Changed it all on his own

Quite determined was she
As the days turned to weeks
Each time she would see it
She’d get quite angry

Holidays came
Birthdays flew by
Such an air of contention
No reason, but why?

She thought awful things
And questioned his logic
“When did my love become so lazy, pathetic?”
“He hasn’t the mind to do one simple chore?”
“This man who I’ve given my life, I’ve adored?”

Then one day she’d had it
She marched him right in
And stared at the empty roll
Hanging so grim

When Daddy looked at it
She fumed even more
He had a huge grim
Eyes brightened, giggles galore

If looks were a killer
He’d fall dead to the floor
He wouldn’t be laughing
He would finish his chore

“How dare you!”  she screamed.
“You silly old fool!”
“I left this roll empty for not one year, but two.”
“And you never noticed!  Or tried to assist me.”
“You just left it for me.  Do you even still love me?”

Daddy looked stunned.  His smile faded quickly.
He looked at the evidence and sighed long and deeply.
“Oh Momma, I thought this was a sign of our love.”
“I thought you were teasing, like when we were young.”
“And every day since, I would smile and know.
That after these years our love still did grow.”

“So many times, I’d be tempted to change it, 
but thought I would ruin this silly arrangement.”

She looked at him baffled, a swell of emotions.
While quietly raging, he was smiling and loved it.
It was then at that moment that she realized her error
and how lucky she was that he loved her so dearly.

She smiled at her love, who had waited so long
And decided to leave it, as a sign of their love.